Where to begin? What to say? How to start? It has been a little over two years since I have posted and what a beautifully crazy two years it has been. Maren has brought and continues to bring more happiness and unending joy into our lives than we could have ever dreamed. She is a true beauty inside and out and the many blessings that have filled our day to day number as the stars. With all of this being said I suppose it is time to fill in some of the gaps that have widened since I last blogged. As when I began this blog as a type of technology based therapy I was doing so in order to keep myself sane in what can be a very unsettling journey. The foundation was built upon being able to take a deep breath and collect my thoughts on the process of adoption, as well as the process of keeping a strong relationship with my husband and the many shades of parenthood. Believe me as I will say again to any poor sap who may decide to dive into this "reading experience"...
1. This is not a literary masterpiece and you will have to deal with an immense amount of errors, run-ons and a huge lack of paragraph separation.
2. Much as my brain works and processes certain events, in a random and non-sensical fashion, such is this blog built.
3. Welcome to my world. Feel free to judge, mock or tear apart my lifestyle. All I ask is that you keep it to yourself or your own circle. As I stated earlier this is my haven, this is my therapy.
Alright so in the past two years we have grown as a family and my beautiful lack of patience and tolerance for ignorance and hate has been pushed to limits beyond fathom. We have been dealing with one of the most emotionally unstable and hurtful humans in that of Maren's birthmother. Let me say first of all with this process no one, I mean absolutely no one, can prepare you or your beautiful family with the miracle that is adoption to deal with the emotional tug that is the adoption triangle (birth family, child, adoptive family). Also let me preface all of this by saying with a sincere heart, we love Ren's birth family with a love that is difficult to understand. Ok. So here we go. After Maren came home with us two years ago in September we dealt with some bumps from BM (birth mom). She was regretting her decision and hurting for the loss of Maren. I would question any mother, or parent for that matter, who would not. So we were the ever "bigger people" and tried to support and love her through all of the accusations of stealing her child, the frustrations of trying to realize we are not the terrible humans she was painting us to be, and trying to always step back and put ourselves in her shoes. Many a time I would feel myself wanting to lash out and completely cut her out of our lives. She had no right. She had no idea. Just as she had given a baby up for a better life with a stable family, many a time, through many a year was I also robbed of the joy of parenthood through infertility. How does she have any ideas about the hurt and suffering we went through as a couple knowing that the only gift we wanted to give each other was something that God refused to let us share. **Side note--we know that God's plan was different for us.** Those were my frustrations that she was quick to anger, hate and ignorance without being understanding and refusing to get the help that was provided through the adoption agency.
And so it went on like this for two years. We were never doing enough, saying enough, providing enough and she knew that she had a constant reach into our lives any time she felt like she needed to make her presence known. We then had to distance ourselves in order to protect Maren. She had requested that we come for visits to NY. For lack of a better term at the time, Bitch be crazy. She could not even deal with her own emotional baggage and was still talking about how she wished she had never given Ren up for adoption, not to mention the fact that she said we had done all the right things without ever intending to follow through in order to make sure she agreed to sign the adoption papers. Please. God. Don't. Let. Me. Fire. Off. This. Next. Email. Deep breath. God Bless Mitch.
There has been no physical contact with Maren's birth family since we brought her to Kansas and at this point we are totally in understanding with that from both sides, BM and ours. We also have completely scrapped the ugly relationship centered on hate and blame with her BM and are slowly but surely starting to rebuild. It is a process. It is a sacrifice and it is one that we are doing for Maren. I hope that when she approaches an age where she is asking more and more about her birth family and her adoption that we will be in a healthy place with them that the dialog can be warm and nurturing to help her discover her beautiful journey into our lives and the identity that makes her so unique.
For this we pray.
SO...there it is, not all the gruesome and tedious details, but that is the gist of the relationship struggle we have been in with the adoption. What a learning experience it has been and continues to be.
On to another note. Adoption number two...Coming 2015, God Willing. Let's start this wild ride again...
I will start writing more often. What a peace it brings me. To be Continued.
-Ali
Thursday, November 20, 2014
HERE WE ARE A MERE 7 MONTHS LATER
(Originally Created Mother's Day 2013)
WOW, WELCOME BACK KISER. HERE WE ARE AGAIN. I MUST SAY THAT I HAVE MISSED THIS A BIT. BEING ABLE TO SPILL MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS VIA BLOG POST IS SO VERY THERAPEUTIC IN A SENSE, HOWEVER, I AM ALSO A BUSY WORKING MOM OF A CURIOUS LITTLE LASS WHO PROVIDES ME WITH PLENTY TO DO AND THERE IS NOTHING I WANT MORE. TODAY I WAS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO READ AN INSPIRING AND BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN POST FROM A FRIEND OF MINE WHO ALSO BUILT HER FAMILY THROUGH ADOPTION. AS I READ THROUGH THE POST AND TRIED NOT TO TEAR UP TOO MUCH AT WORK, I WAS INSPIRED. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT DEALING WITH MY LIFE AND THAT OF MY FAMILY IN THIS SEGMENT, BUT THAT WOULD BE WAAAAY TOO LONG AND OH SO EXHAUSTING FOR THOSE WHO MIGHT CHOOSE TO INDULGE. SO INSTEAD I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY AND WHAT KIND OF MEANING IT HOLDS FOR ME, AS PER MY FRIEND'S INSPIRING POST.
ALL OF US WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH ANY TYPE OF STRUGGLE TO BECOME PARENTS CAN RELATE WITH THE LEVEL OF EMOTIONS THAT ARE ASSOCIATED WITH MOTHER'S DAY. THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR THAT IS DIRECTLY RELATED (WHETHER MADE UP BY HALLMARK OR NOT...) WITH GIVING LOVE AND APPRECIATION TO OUR MOTHERS. GROWING UP I AM SURE I MADE MY FAIR SHARE OF HAND PAINTED FLOWER POTS, CLAY FOOTPRINTS AND OTHER CRAFTY TREASURES THAT EXPRESSED HOW SPECIAL MOM WAS FOR ME. NOT UNTIL I GOT A BIT OLDER DID THE SUNDAY IN MAY THAT GOES FOR MOMS BEGIN TO HOLD A NEW MEANING IN MY LIFE.
AFTER A FEW YEARS OF TRYING TO BECOME PARENTS WE WERE READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP. AS I HAVE SPOKE OF MANY TIMES BEFORE ON THIS BLOG WE WERE PROACTIVE AND KNEW THAT BABY-DOM WAS NOT IN OUR FUTURE IF WE WERE NOT WILLING TO TAKE A FEW MORE STEPS. WE BEGAN THE PROCESS OF FERTILITY TREATMENTS AND AGAIN PUT ALL OF OUR LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE EGGS IN A BASKET HOPING TO GET PREGNANT. OH HOW THOSE MOTHER'S DAY SUNDAYS BECAME MORE AND MORE OF A HIT TO MY HEART. I FELT LIKE IT WAS EVERYWHERE, PEOPLE'S PITY, LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND AT TIMES I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING SMOTHERED BY THEIR ADORABLE FAMILIES...IT WAS SUFFOCATING. PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDEST YEARS WAS AFTER MITCH AND I HAD STARTED THE IN-VITRO PROCESS. AT CHURCH AS THEY HAD EVERY YEAR THEY GIVE A SPECIAL BLESSING TO ALL OF THE MOTHERS IN THE CONGRAGATION. WE HAD JUST COMPLETED THE IN-VITRO PROCESS A WEEK AND A HALF BEFORE AND SO WE STILL DID NOT KNOW THE OUTCOME. THEY ASKED ALL OF THE MOTHER'S TO STAND, THERE IS A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR ALL OF THE SACRIFICE AND JOYS AND THEN A PRAYER. NOT YET KNOWING THE RESULTS OF THE LONG JOURNEY TOWARDS PREGNANCY I WAS URGED BY MY FAMILY TO STAND, I CHOSE NOT TO FEELING SUPERSTITIOUS IN A WAY AND I DIDN'T WANT TO DRAW FURTHER ATTENTION TO MYSELF. AFTER THE SERVICE WE DID THE TYPICAL LUNCH AND FAMILY GATHERINGS AND WENT ABOUT OUR DAY. THAT NIGHT I LOST IT, I FELT LIKE THE DREAM I HAD DREAMED FOR YEARS WAS WITHIN OUR GRASP, BUT I DID NOT KNOW AND WOULD NOT KNOW UNTIL THE NEXT WEEKEND WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS A REALITY. IT TURNED OUT NOT TO BE. THAT WAS HARD. PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDEST REALIZATIONS I HAD TO COME TO. NO ALI, YOU WILL NOT BE A BIOLOGICAL MOTHER. YOU WILL NEVER FEEL AN INFANT KICK IN YOUR BELLY, YOU WILL NEVER GET TO GO TO THOSE EXCITING SONOGRAMS AND HEART A LITTLE HEARBEAT, NOT YOUR OWN GROWING INSIDE. AGAIN, IT WAS VERY HARD.
SO WE MOVED ON. WE WERE DEPRESSED, WE WERE MAD AT GOD, WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE NOT LET US BECOME PARENTS? WHY COULDN'T WE START A FAMILY? THERE WERE NO ANSWERS AND MITCH SHUT DOWN. NO CHURCH FOR A WHILE. WHEN WE NEEDED GOD THE MOST WE FELT LIKE IT WASN'T FAIR AND HE SHUT US OUT. WE REALIZE NOW OF COURSE THIS WAS NEVER THE CASE, BUT AT THE TIME, YOU NEED ANSWERS AND SOMETIMES ANSWERS NEVER COME.
SO...BACK TO MOTHER'S DAY AND WHAT IT MEANS TO ME NOW. OVER THE PAST YEAR WE HAVE BEEN BEYOND BLESSED WITH MORE JOY THAN WE COULD EVER IMAGINE. GOD LEAD AN AMAZING MOTHER TO US TO ALLOW US TO BECOME PARENTS. GOD GAVE US THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, CHARISMATIC LITTLE ANGEL IN OUR LIVES AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF THIS GIFT. WE LEARN MORE FROM HER THAN WE EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE AND OUR MOTHERS ARE HAPPY TO BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO BE SOME PRETTY AMAZING GRANDMOTHERS. LIFE IS FANTASTIC, AND THIS MOTHER'S DAY AS I FIGHT BACK TEARS AND CHOKE BACK MY EMOTIONS AS I STAND PROUDLY AT CHURCH IT WILL BE ONE OF THE MOST MEMORABLE AND HEARTWARMING DAYS OF MY LIFE. OTHER THAN THE EARLY MORNING OF SEPTEMBER 4TH, 2012.
WOW, WELCOME BACK KISER. HERE WE ARE AGAIN. I MUST SAY THAT I HAVE MISSED THIS A BIT. BEING ABLE TO SPILL MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS VIA BLOG POST IS SO VERY THERAPEUTIC IN A SENSE, HOWEVER, I AM ALSO A BUSY WORKING MOM OF A CURIOUS LITTLE LASS WHO PROVIDES ME WITH PLENTY TO DO AND THERE IS NOTHING I WANT MORE. TODAY I WAS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO READ AN INSPIRING AND BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN POST FROM A FRIEND OF MINE WHO ALSO BUILT HER FAMILY THROUGH ADOPTION. AS I READ THROUGH THE POST AND TRIED NOT TO TEAR UP TOO MUCH AT WORK, I WAS INSPIRED. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT DEALING WITH MY LIFE AND THAT OF MY FAMILY IN THIS SEGMENT, BUT THAT WOULD BE WAAAAY TOO LONG AND OH SO EXHAUSTING FOR THOSE WHO MIGHT CHOOSE TO INDULGE. SO INSTEAD I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY AND WHAT KIND OF MEANING IT HOLDS FOR ME, AS PER MY FRIEND'S INSPIRING POST.
ALL OF US WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH ANY TYPE OF STRUGGLE TO BECOME PARENTS CAN RELATE WITH THE LEVEL OF EMOTIONS THAT ARE ASSOCIATED WITH MOTHER'S DAY. THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR THAT IS DIRECTLY RELATED (WHETHER MADE UP BY HALLMARK OR NOT...) WITH GIVING LOVE AND APPRECIATION TO OUR MOTHERS. GROWING UP I AM SURE I MADE MY FAIR SHARE OF HAND PAINTED FLOWER POTS, CLAY FOOTPRINTS AND OTHER CRAFTY TREASURES THAT EXPRESSED HOW SPECIAL MOM WAS FOR ME. NOT UNTIL I GOT A BIT OLDER DID THE SUNDAY IN MAY THAT GOES FOR MOMS BEGIN TO HOLD A NEW MEANING IN MY LIFE.
AFTER A FEW YEARS OF TRYING TO BECOME PARENTS WE WERE READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP. AS I HAVE SPOKE OF MANY TIMES BEFORE ON THIS BLOG WE WERE PROACTIVE AND KNEW THAT BABY-DOM WAS NOT IN OUR FUTURE IF WE WERE NOT WILLING TO TAKE A FEW MORE STEPS. WE BEGAN THE PROCESS OF FERTILITY TREATMENTS AND AGAIN PUT ALL OF OUR LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE EGGS IN A BASKET HOPING TO GET PREGNANT. OH HOW THOSE MOTHER'S DAY SUNDAYS BECAME MORE AND MORE OF A HIT TO MY HEART. I FELT LIKE IT WAS EVERYWHERE, PEOPLE'S PITY, LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND AT TIMES I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING SMOTHERED BY THEIR ADORABLE FAMILIES...IT WAS SUFFOCATING. PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDEST YEARS WAS AFTER MITCH AND I HAD STARTED THE IN-VITRO PROCESS. AT CHURCH AS THEY HAD EVERY YEAR THEY GIVE A SPECIAL BLESSING TO ALL OF THE MOTHERS IN THE CONGRAGATION. WE HAD JUST COMPLETED THE IN-VITRO PROCESS A WEEK AND A HALF BEFORE AND SO WE STILL DID NOT KNOW THE OUTCOME. THEY ASKED ALL OF THE MOTHER'S TO STAND, THERE IS A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR ALL OF THE SACRIFICE AND JOYS AND THEN A PRAYER. NOT YET KNOWING THE RESULTS OF THE LONG JOURNEY TOWARDS PREGNANCY I WAS URGED BY MY FAMILY TO STAND, I CHOSE NOT TO FEELING SUPERSTITIOUS IN A WAY AND I DIDN'T WANT TO DRAW FURTHER ATTENTION TO MYSELF. AFTER THE SERVICE WE DID THE TYPICAL LUNCH AND FAMILY GATHERINGS AND WENT ABOUT OUR DAY. THAT NIGHT I LOST IT, I FELT LIKE THE DREAM I HAD DREAMED FOR YEARS WAS WITHIN OUR GRASP, BUT I DID NOT KNOW AND WOULD NOT KNOW UNTIL THE NEXT WEEKEND WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS A REALITY. IT TURNED OUT NOT TO BE. THAT WAS HARD. PROBABLY ONE OF THE HARDEST REALIZATIONS I HAD TO COME TO. NO ALI, YOU WILL NOT BE A BIOLOGICAL MOTHER. YOU WILL NEVER FEEL AN INFANT KICK IN YOUR BELLY, YOU WILL NEVER GET TO GO TO THOSE EXCITING SONOGRAMS AND HEART A LITTLE HEARBEAT, NOT YOUR OWN GROWING INSIDE. AGAIN, IT WAS VERY HARD.
SO WE MOVED ON. WE WERE DEPRESSED, WE WERE MAD AT GOD, WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE NOT LET US BECOME PARENTS? WHY COULDN'T WE START A FAMILY? THERE WERE NO ANSWERS AND MITCH SHUT DOWN. NO CHURCH FOR A WHILE. WHEN WE NEEDED GOD THE MOST WE FELT LIKE IT WASN'T FAIR AND HE SHUT US OUT. WE REALIZE NOW OF COURSE THIS WAS NEVER THE CASE, BUT AT THE TIME, YOU NEED ANSWERS AND SOMETIMES ANSWERS NEVER COME.
SO...BACK TO MOTHER'S DAY AND WHAT IT MEANS TO ME NOW. OVER THE PAST YEAR WE HAVE BEEN BEYOND BLESSED WITH MORE JOY THAN WE COULD EVER IMAGINE. GOD LEAD AN AMAZING MOTHER TO US TO ALLOW US TO BECOME PARENTS. GOD GAVE US THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, CHARISMATIC LITTLE ANGEL IN OUR LIVES AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF THIS GIFT. WE LEARN MORE FROM HER THAN WE EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE AND OUR MOTHERS ARE HAPPY TO BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO BE SOME PRETTY AMAZING GRANDMOTHERS. LIFE IS FANTASTIC, AND THIS MOTHER'S DAY AS I FIGHT BACK TEARS AND CHOKE BACK MY EMOTIONS AS I STAND PROUDLY AT CHURCH IT WILL BE ONE OF THE MOST MEMORABLE AND HEARTWARMING DAYS OF MY LIFE. OTHER THAN THE EARLY MORNING OF SEPTEMBER 4TH, 2012.
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