Where to begin? What to say? How to start? It has been a little over two years since I have posted and what a beautifully crazy two years it has been. Maren has brought and continues to bring more happiness and unending joy into our lives than we could have ever dreamed. She is a true beauty inside and out and the many blessings that have filled our day to day number as the stars. With all of this being said I suppose it is time to fill in some of the gaps that have widened since I last blogged. As when I began this blog as a type of technology based therapy I was doing so in order to keep myself sane in what can be a very unsettling journey. The foundation was built upon being able to take a deep breath and collect my thoughts on the process of adoption, as well as the process of keeping a strong relationship with my husband and the many shades of parenthood. Believe me as I will say again to any poor sap who may decide to dive into this "reading experience"...
1. This is not a literary masterpiece and you will have to deal with an immense amount of errors, run-ons and a huge lack of paragraph separation.
2. Much as my brain works and processes certain events, in a random and non-sensical fashion, such is this blog built.
3. Welcome to my world. Feel free to judge, mock or tear apart my lifestyle. All I ask is that you keep it to yourself or your own circle. As I stated earlier this is my haven, this is my therapy.
Alright so in the past two years we have grown as a family and my beautiful lack of patience and tolerance for ignorance and hate has been pushed to limits beyond fathom. We have been dealing with one of the most emotionally unstable and hurtful humans in that of Maren's birthmother. Let me say first of all with this process no one, I mean absolutely no one, can prepare you or your beautiful family with the miracle that is adoption to deal with the emotional tug that is the adoption triangle (birth family, child, adoptive family). Also let me preface all of this by saying with a sincere heart, we love Ren's birth family with a love that is difficult to understand. Ok. So here we go. After Maren came home with us two years ago in September we dealt with some bumps from BM (birth mom). She was regretting her decision and hurting for the loss of Maren. I would question any mother, or parent for that matter, who would not. So we were the ever "bigger people" and tried to support and love her through all of the accusations of stealing her child, the frustrations of trying to realize we are not the terrible humans she was painting us to be, and trying to always step back and put ourselves in her shoes. Many a time I would feel myself wanting to lash out and completely cut her out of our lives. She had no right. She had no idea. Just as she had given a baby up for a better life with a stable family, many a time, through many a year was I also robbed of the joy of parenthood through infertility. How does she have any ideas about the hurt and suffering we went through as a couple knowing that the only gift we wanted to give each other was something that God refused to let us share. **Side note--we know that God's plan was different for us.** Those were my frustrations that she was quick to anger, hate and ignorance without being understanding and refusing to get the help that was provided through the adoption agency.
And so it went on like this for two years. We were never doing enough, saying enough, providing enough and she knew that she had a constant reach into our lives any time she felt like she needed to make her presence known. We then had to distance ourselves in order to protect Maren. She had requested that we come for visits to NY. For lack of a better term at the time, Bitch be crazy. She could not even deal with her own emotional baggage and was still talking about how she wished she had never given Ren up for adoption, not to mention the fact that she said we had done all the right things without ever intending to follow through in order to make sure she agreed to sign the adoption papers. Please. God. Don't. Let. Me. Fire. Off. This. Next. Email. Deep breath. God Bless Mitch.
There has been no physical contact with Maren's birth family since we brought her to Kansas and at this point we are totally in understanding with that from both sides, BM and ours. We also have completely scrapped the ugly relationship centered on hate and blame with her BM and are slowly but surely starting to rebuild. It is a process. It is a sacrifice and it is one that we are doing for Maren. I hope that when she approaches an age where she is asking more and more about her birth family and her adoption that we will be in a healthy place with them that the dialog can be warm and nurturing to help her discover her beautiful journey into our lives and the identity that makes her so unique.
For this we pray.
SO...there it is, not all the gruesome and tedious details, but that is the gist of the relationship struggle we have been in with the adoption. What a learning experience it has been and continues to be.
On to another note. Adoption number two...Coming 2015, God Willing. Let's start this wild ride again...
I will start writing more often. What a peace it brings me. To be Continued.
-Ali
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